About Me
I look at life through a lens tinted with cynicism. I am thrifty with money, hence very much depriving myself of material fulfilment most of the time.And I think that paying >RM10 for a cup of coffee or a cone of ice-cream is absurd. Happiness comes from having ample time to stay in bed and read/write. I detest pop trash of the latter day and have turned to alternative rock/rock for solace. And I like creative writing. :)
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Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Here I am, taking the study material for this month's JHSD Meet and dissecting it like a cockroach, and studying its contents. Gosh, the topic's tough...sometimes I don't understand a single word they're discussing about. =/ Sigh.
And if that isn't enough for my already-had-enough-of-the-world day, I told my overeactive mother that the PD trip with my gco folks will be costing us RM100. And she went something like, "wah you siao ah they're sucking money from you issit what kind of cultural group is this suck money from little girls don't go." =/ Like, wth? She's going back on her words. I pride myself on being a filial daughter but sometimes I really want to fight back. No handphone, no going out with friends, no long conversations on phone, no going to friend's house, no going to neighbor's house, no buying new clothes, no skirts, no books costing more than RM10, no elaborate face/hair care products, no original VCDs/CDs/DVDs, no boyfriends, no jogging around the neighborhood, no cycling, no swimming, no camps, what other no's can you give me??? I'm not going to go "you're destroying my youth!", but sometimes it's really challenging to live up to your expectations lor...all that you expect of me, no.1 in Gakkai, no.1 in cultural group, no.1 in studies, no.1 in language fluency, no.1 in anything, everything I do... I understand that you expect a lot from me because I am the youngest, and your ONLY daughter. But that doesn't mean I have to be your precious lil' girl all the time. I gotta grow up, ma. I gotta learn how to socialise properly, what unwritten rules the society has, how to behave properly, how to deal with attendants...I can't grow up in this little protective shell you have hardened around me anymore. My personal growth's stunted, you know? When I watch as you beam with pride at my success--performances, competitions, awards, exam results...I will think to myself, is that my reward? to see you so happy? to see your proud smile and to hear your praises? I wish it was enough, but it wasn't. I want to grow up, to see the world, but you wouldn't. Hey, don't you always want the best for me? Then why am I being restricted to blossom into a streetsmart girl? Is it because you aren't ready to let go of that little baby girl you love so much? = ( Sometimes you complain that I go out for activities too much, especially GCO practices. Well, you wanna know why? It's the only time when I get to do things freely without you knowing. That was why Perak CCF was so "life-changing" for me. Sort of like my first timid step into the real world alone, independent, out of the field of your watchful eyes. You know why I always looked forward to practices although I'm bound to be scolded for not practising? It's because of those tiny opportunities in these tiny moments which you seize at because you'd never know when you'll ever going to get it again. When I am a totally different person, and you're not there to stop me from going out for yamcha at mamak stalls, hitching rides from fellow members, dining with friends you never approved of... Someday I hope you'd understand how I'm feeling, instead of always dismissing me and thinking "she'll soon forget all about it.", and how it feels like being such a social outcast. Meanwhile, I will just swallow it down, and wait patiently for that dear day to come. I love you, ma, I really do, you'll never find another daughter that loves you better, but if you could just give me a small measure of freedom...just one small bit... forgive me for such an emo post. I'm feeling much, much better now. =] EL
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